Hanging In the Balance

I apologize for going MIA this last week. That apology goes out to the readers that I'd be surprised to know exist... Regardless, I apologize. So a bit of a play-by-play is due. I'll start at Valentine's Day, because really that's where I left off.

Before I go any further, I'd like to mention that one of my very close friends had a lovely baby girl, who is now almost 2 weeks old. Sondra Zoe, I loved you from the moment I knew you existed and I can't wait to meet you, peanut. Auntie Blake loves you <3

2/14/09 I had a lovely Valentine's day dinner with a good friend of mine, Rob Murphy. Rob and I have an interesting history. Two years ago, he was dating someone who I once called my best friend. That so-called best friend is now "that girl". She seems to be under the pretense that Rob and I have had the same relations as her and my ex, and I am obliged to tell the truth: we have not. Regardless, after his fraud b*tch of an ex-girlfriend broke up with him on VDAY he still had dinner reservations, which we took full advantage of. A nice dinner, a bottle of wine, and some cannolis later we were in much better spirits. He brought me home and I went out with my girlfriends to continue celebrating our singledom. Oh, and that idiot aka "5-star" who I was talking to? Texted me "Happy Valentine's Day, Baby." To which I (mentally) responded..."WHO YOU CALLIN' BABY?!" Ugh, five-star, you have since been demoted significantly. Turns out you were just another counterfeit...More on that later. Overall, a lovely day/night which I enjoyed in the company of coworkers, friends, and even more friends.

2/15/09 I can't quite remember what happened this day, really it all became a total blur within a few hours. I have an amazing male friend of mine, a few years older than me, who I recently reconciled with. We hadn't talked for a few years over some silly childish stuff- mostly things that I had brought upon when I loved the drama of it all. Regardless, we settled our differences and started hanging out again. I forgot just how much I missed him! He's one of the few males in my life who knows just about everything about me-specifically my family which is going through a lot right now.
So we were going for a ride in his car and then he turns to be and says:
"You know what I was thinking about the other day?"
"What?"
"I was thinking, you know, that I love you."
"....Love me like how?"
"You know, like I just love you. I couldn't make up my mind. First I was like I think I love this girl, then I was like no...Five minutes later I was like I do though... And I do."
".......(lost in thought and shock)....."
"Do you love me too?"
"Well, I mean sure in some ways, I love you too."
My initial response was disbelief. He really caught me off guard. We always joked about getting married, but suddenly these things didn't seem like jokes anymore. He had always called me girlfriend or wifey, but those didn't seem so... carefree anymore. It's like when someone tells you that you look fat and adds "just kidding" at the end...You know they meant what they said. I know he meant it, and to be honest, I think I wanted to hear it.
Rewind two years and you'll see that I've sort of always had something going for this guy. I remember talking to him, watching some girl break his heart from far away. I was there when she was hurting him, I was there when he couldn't sleep- I loved him then, and I love him now. Above all, he's one of my closest friends and I wouldn't ever want to see him hurt. But you see, this violates my blog about "The 7 guys you should never date" Remember the best friend? *Sigh* Not saying I won't try it, but I'm not willing to lose him...Again. I must think of a nickname for this one, I think you'll be reading more about him. (edit: nickname has been selected---Crookers)

The rest of my week went by rather uneventfully...Five-star asked me when he could see me again, we made what I thought constituted plans, and I suppose I was wrong. He never even bothered to respond to my text message Friday afternoon asking if we were still going to meet up. My response? I deleted his contact info, his myspace message with his contact info, and did what any respectable woman will do when she gets stood up by the guy she wants so bad: have a few too many glasses of wine, and find the next cutest thing to make out with. And that, is exactly what I did.

I was lucky enough to run into one of my stalkers at 7-11 and true to his stalker ways, he followed my friend to her house and proceeded to make out with me. Perfect. It was just what I needed to get the rejection from 5-star out of my system. I kicked out stalkerazzo at 2:30a.m. and snuggled up to one of my best girlfriends for a good night's sleep. Ah, the life of a single 20-something, you will be missed and reminisced when the time comes, I'm certain of it.

2/21/09 Saturday night and Little Miss Single has no plans :( so Brynn, a fellow single girl and bitch baby called me to see if I wanted to go party with her. I managed to get my curfew pushed back an hour to 2:30a.m. and I was out like a bandit! Wouldn't you know it to be just my luck that the party we went to got busted before we even set foot in the door!!! Ah well, I was lucky anyway. My record is so squeaky clean it hurts, so sense is scratching it for a few cranberry vodkas. So we ended up in our favorite parking lot, where all the other people who didn't go to the party ended up, trying to find another party. I ended up running into Crooks, and watching him interact with other girls made me realize that, I didn't want him interacting with other girls. Not because he was flirtatious or anything of the sort- I just wanted his undivided attention, and undivided attention I got. I've told you all before- Blake wants, Blake gets. I did something which I've never done before. I deliberately kissed him on the mouth, in public. Its happened privately before- but in public? In front of people we know? Never. We've always denied being together before- it makes me wonder, what's so different about this time around? I knew he was jealous when 5-star and I were "talking" but I didn't know his feelings were that serious. To be perfectly honest I didn't realize mine were either, until I realized that I'd rather be sitting in a parking lot with him all night, talking about nothing, than going out to parties with my friends and getting drunk (such as a normal 20-year-old would do).

2/22/09 At work, recapping the previous night with my co-worker who asked me why I haven't blogged in a few days (hiya newbie!) and she says to me "Aww! You like him!" I'm totally embarassed about it, though. Not because he's not good looking or anything- he's a perfectly lovable human being- I guess I'm just embarassed that this came at me like a freight train and I didn't see it sooner. Why do you say that? The green lights were everywhere- the jealousy, the constant contact, the fact that he'll do just about anything for me- I had that confused with friendship, which I suppose was wrong. Even more embarassing is realizing that I have feelings for this guy, which I have repressed for so long over some silly things that happened two years ago. Go figure.

More on all of this later. Until then
xoxox
Blakey