Saturday, February 7, 2009

The 7

The Bible tells Christians about the 7 Deadly sins. I am nowhere near as gracious or wise as The Book itself- but I do have a slight inkling of wisdom when it comes to men. Ladies heed my advice: the 7 types of men & the relationships they offer that I'm about to list are to be avoided at all costs. That is unless you enjoy feeling robbed of your dignity and healthy sense of pride, then by all means proceed to date the guys who don't even deserve to know your name!

**Note: If you've been burnt once or twice by a guy that falls into this category maybe it's time to re-evaluate what kind of men you're attracting and why. A little soul-searching never killed anyone.

The Bullshitter
Personality Type- These guys are usually salesmen of some type- they have this incredible, charming, personality which almost instantly wins you over. It doesn't take long for their true colors to show however, and the charming sweet-talker you knew a month ago has now reared his ugly head as a controlling, manipulative, and downright condescending jerk! But here's the kicker, he's had you hooked from the get-go. There is probably not a chance in Hades that you will escape this relationship unscathed because you will be so wrapped up in what used to be that you'll forget to remember that your boyfriend is a complete total ass. Because he's so good in sales, he'll figure out your weaknesses, and hit you where it hurts (in my case that was both emotionally and physically). If you're young and naive (as I was) he might even be able to convince you that he's the one. All of his actions are clear and concise, and very well thought out; if he was to commit murder it would certainly be premeditated. Don't ever let a bullshitter tell you that it "just happened" when he cheats on you (because he will- he loves to lie), because he knew damn well he was going to cheat. These dudes are psychos and they love the chase- once they break up with you they'll be coming back for more, so if you find yourself in this situation I have one piece of advice: change your phone number, pronto post-break up.
Relationship type: If you're looking to be bored, controlled, manipulated, and molded into his idea of a trophy wife, by all means date a bullshitter. You will never feel so alone as when you do a bullshitter; he will rarely return your calls, and make you feel like you're the crazy one. You will probably end up really well-off financially and they'll be able to afford to put you in the best loony bin when you finally lose all your carefully-measured self control.

The Best Friend
Personality Type: This is the best friend you've had for years and always wondered "what if". The only problem is-he's your pal, your best bud, your shoulder to lean on. He loves you and you love him, but somewhere down the line one of you may realize that they are indeed probably never going to be IN love with you. There will be another lucky girl who you will get brushed aside for. He's fun, he's outgoing, probably the life of the party- in your eyes anyway. You know everything about each other and are completely comfortable- that's the problem.
Relationship Type:Fuggetaboutit- unless he expresses interest in you, and then accept that you may just be the hook-up anyway. Why? Because you know too much already, and he HAS you. There's no challenge in attaining someone who's your best friend so once you give it up, you'll quickly become old news. If you want to spend the next few months licking your wounds as your best friend goes through the hunt for his new girl, by all means make the mistake of hooking up with him to "test the waters". Unless the words "I want a relationship with you" escape from his mouth, do not, I repeat: DO NOT date your best friend. Because once he dumps your sorry ass for New Nancy, you'll be out for a friend AND a boyfriend.

The Mama/Daddy's/ Legal Guardian's Boy
Personality Type: This guy doesn't even know what a pair of big boy pants look like- let alone actually OWN them. He's spoiled, often a younger sibling in the family. He hasn't ever worked a day in his life, his parents pay his car payment, and they might as well wipe his "tush" after he goes "poo". However, he is usually very well-kept, clean, loving, and big-hearted. He'll spoil the crap out of you, mostly because it's not his money, thus he doesn't care. There is nothing he won't do for you. On the other hand, he expects the same in return, even though he practically begs to be a welcome mat.
Relationship Type:
If you can manage to actually fall in love with this loser, we'll be surprised if you don't fall out within a few months or so. You'll have to battle with the mom/dad/legal guardian for the "lead role" in this person's life because you are the love interest, and they are the bank. If and when you win that battle you have to take on the battle of motivating them to do something productive with their life. If and when that ever happens (don't worry, if your smart you'll quit when you're ahead), you'll probably be so fed up of babying this person that you will gladly dump their sorry ass and send them running back to mama. If you're looking to be kept, bored, and have someone (and his extended family) waiting on you 24/7- go right ahead. Don't say I didn't warn you when you get threatening voice mails from his older sister after the break up. Oh and anything they gave you "out of the goodness of their own heart" during the course of the relationship, will now be held above your head for the rest of eternity. Enjoy.

The Filler
Personality Type: So while you were busy trying to sabotage your relationship with the M.D.LG.B so he would leave you alone, you met "the filler". Much like Botox, this boy exists to fill the little voids in your life that most people don't notice. This is the guy that you would typically NEVER date- he is the exact opposite of the M.D.LG.B- exactly what you think you need after those exhausting months of being spoiled to death. This guy is interesting, very attractive, independent, and confident to boot. He's not very sincere, and he certainly won't be the one to shower you with compliments- he just IS. That's why he's the filler- there's no point to him being there except to be your transition back to the single life.
Relationship Type: He won't call when he says he will, and at best he'll refer to you as F.W.B (friends with benefits). If you have absolutely no self-respect or expectations, I suppose this could be fun for you. Just don't make the mistake of getting attached to a filler- even he's aware of how disposable he is. That's why he won't really respect you, or look at you the way you ought to be looked at. He'll never trust you, and quite frankly he doesn't give a crap. You will NEVER even make it to his priority list.

The (Really really) Bad Boy (read:Grown Ass Man)
Personality Type: He's got a lot of the same traits as the bullshitter- he's charming, smart, incredible, and also typically older than you. Sometimes a lot older, which automatically gives him the upper hand in the relationship. He's a go-getter and will stop at nothing to get what he wants: in your pants! At first glance he is responsible, caring, and attentive. Be careful though, it won't be long until you're at the bottom of his priority list and he becomes preoccupied with his "responsibilities". He lies compulsively (mostly to cover his tracks to getting what he wants) and wholeheartedly plans on buying your love, it also won't be long until he's one big jealous mess. He has nothing but the "best intentions" for you two. He's just confused and doesn't know how he's going to make it happen. Deep down you'll realize that you deserve better, but you'll want to help out this "bad boy" so he might SOMEDAY wake up and realize what he has (newsflash: he won't). They're prone to partying, gambling, drug addiction, and loving illegal weapons. Lovely.
Relationship Type: If you're smart it won't be long until you realize that he reeks of insincerity. If you're as naive as I once was, you'll believe him when he says he just "needs some time" to get over whatever issues he has (which will range from anything between being laid off or not paying his child support). In the meantime, he will wine and dine you until the end of time, shower you with gifts to prove his affection for you. He will also wine and dine whoever it is he plans on getting with that particular weekend and then push the blame on you. If he's out cheating (which much like the bullshitter, it's almost guaranteed he will) he will come home and accuse you of cheating-repeatedly. You will spend a great chunk of your time picking up his messes- like the time when he's going to come home from the bar with a black eye (probably fighting some guy for his girlfriend) and a bloody lip. Don't expect too much from this one, most likely he'll disappear and you'll never hear from him again. That is, unless he needs your money to support one of his many addictions, pay his past-due child support, or bail him out.
**The scariest part about being in love with a bad boy is that it scars you for life. As women we often want to help people who cannot accept help- they're just too far gone. Honestly if someone you know and love has these problems it is not up to you to fix them. You are not their care taker, nor are you their lawyer. Steer clear, they will cause nothing but problems in your life and rid you of everything you have- including your dignity. I highly suggest you cut your loses before it's too late. The drama of a bad boy can become addictive and you will waste your life worrying and/or caring for them.

The Potential Stalker
Personality Type: Usually of the foreign variety these boys are exciting, fun, extremely attentive, and will shower you with affection. In theory, they are everything a boyfriend should be- perhaps even more fabulous. They are good, maybe even wholesome guys. Until you see them lurking outside of your house. Their sense of humor is usually not up-to-par and he certainly becomes jealous in the long run. Don't you fret, he'll have you running for the hills long after you break up!
Relationship Type: The courting stage of this will be fantastic. You two will have everything in common and enjoy spending almost all of your spare time together. But he can read you like an open book, and the second he senses you're beginning to get bored he's going to pull in those reigns. He's going to become controlling and jealous and demand more and more of your time when all you're going to want to do is run away. Post-break up he will continue to find excuses to see you: he'll come eat at the restaurant where you work, sign up for classes on days he know you'll be at school, this guy will do just about anything to keep you close. Your friends might even tell you that he creeps them out slightly. Heed my warning ladies there is nothing more off-putting than a stalkerazzo. It won't be long until he creeps you out beyond belief, and until you (once again) have to change your phone number. He'll have you trying different hair colors so you're not as recognizable as you once were. Hell, if he's really involved, his friends will stalk you for him when you get a restraining order. If you're one of the lucky few that can pull off any hair color and loves attention, I'd say go for it- the only thing you have to lose is your identity when you're forced into the Witness Protection Program.

and finally...

The Counterfeit
Personality Type: This guy is everything, and I mean everything you've ever dreamed of. He's handsome, well-spoken, driven, motivated, hard-working, caring, responsible- the list is endless. He doesn't seem to have any major flaws. That's because when it comes to playing cover-up this guy's got more game than MAC Studio Fix. The counterfeit tends to be overall dishonest. You'll get that its-too-good-to-be-true vibe, because IT IS!
Relationship Type: There is good news: You don't have to worry about him cheating on you because he will never officially date you, let alone commit to you. In the beginning he will lure you in with his amazing qualities, and tell you that he wants to "take it slow" and "build something". Take my word for it, the only thing a Counterfeit builds in the time he spends with you is his own ego and self-esteem which have probably suffered from the one time he got burnt by his ex (who he trashes on a regular basis but is still in love with). He will want to spend every waking moment with you, until that reoccurring love pain comes back and he either dumps you for his ex, or says he needs some "alone time". I promise you, the counterfeit will leave you high and dry. So how do you tell a counterfeit from a genuine good guy? Red flags to look for include: someone who talks too much about his ex, doesn't give you space, commitment phobia, and just that feeling that he's always keeping you on your toes: because he is. He will take his sweet time to break it to you, and it won't be long before he's calling you "kid" so you get the hint. So take the hint, kiddo and find yourself a real man.


  1. You forgot to mention that the Stalker type will kidnap your cat.

    Girls, heed my warning.

  2. HAHA! That's something else. Upsetting my feline would certainly result in disaster...